Before “The One”

Today we’re ending the negative connotation around being single. There’s nothing wrong with being single, but there’s something wrong with not being productive in your singleness. We need to shift our focus off of finding “The One” and start thinking about how you become the best version of you before “The One.” During this time of singleness, you should be asking yourself questions such as – What are you doing at finding yourself? How could you best be spending your time until you are finally ready for commitment? Are you feeling whole in all aspects of your life? Are you learning things about yourself in your relationships with your friends and family that you think you should be working on? Many people lack the self-evaluation portion of singleness. Then they try to go straight into a relationship with all of their many pieces and expect that person to put them back together. This is obviously not realistic and if this is you do yourself, and your future person, a favor and break this cycle! If you’re ready for a change let’s get into some tips that can get you there during this season.

Identity/Purpose – Expanding on what we just mentioned, oftentimes people get into relationships in order to find their identity in the other person’s expectations of them. When you get into a relationship you need to come into it already knowing who you are, what you stand for, your morals/beliefs, etc. It is a must to have your identity/purpose already in place so that you can attract the right person. This can truly only happen while you are living your truth. Know who you are and be who you are without hesitation and the right person will accept you for your flaws and all. They will be no need to get defensive with one another because you are a team and in this together. You will know without a doubt that you were/are destined for each other and meant to be. So the moral of the story is be you and only you and then the right one will find you WHEN the time is right!

Timing – We all know the saying that time is the only commodity that you can not get more of. This is why, in regards to relationships, they say timing is everything! Take us for instance. David and I actually met in 2014, but our story didn’t actually begin until 2017. When we first met we were both seeing other people, still finding out what our purposes in life were/are, and overall we were not mature enough to handle a serious relationship. In that picture, on the How It Started side, we were still very much single and just 2 months in of really getting to know each other and trying to see where this might go. If we would have tried things out back then we wouldn’t be in the state we are in today. So the takeaway is: Don’t miss the right person for the wrong time. It’s ok if you’re not ready now because your paths may cross again one day. Don’t be that be that person wasting someone’s time playing around! Come into any and every relationship with the right intentions because if you don’t want your time wasted don’t waste theirs. You may make someone miss their husband or wife fooling with you! So if you don’t see yourself settling down any time soon let that be known so the blame doesn’t fall on you and the ball is now in their court to mess up their own timeline.

Self Love – Ari was right – this is truly the best love. This is a step in the process before “The One” that you just don’t want to rush. Experiencing self-love allows for confidence and self-esteem to form and grow. You need to have this within yourself or you could allow for your partner to walk all over you and dictate how you feel or see yourself. Love who God created you to be – flaws and all. If there’s something you want to work on or improve about yourself, by all means, go for it, but realize that you are the biggest asset that you have to offer in any and all relationships – romantic or not. Invest, believe, and continue to love yourself. In the words of RuPaul, “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?!”

Singleness/Healing – We all know that hurt people hurt people, so heal yourself before you hurt someone else. The singleness phase has always had a dark, gloomy cloud over it because everyone feels that they just need to be with somebody. In all actuality, you should be enjoying singleness! You don’t really need to just be with “somebody” because a somebody could just be filling up space in your life. You need to be with someone that brings you joy, fulfillment, growth, and closer to finding “the one” which should really start yourself. You won’t get there without healing your past traumas and working on yourself. Work towards preparing your mind on what you really want in a relationship, know you’re why, and gauge to see if you’re really ready for this type of commitment. Find an example of what good singleness is and healthy examples of relationships. Read different relationship books for sound advice (linked some in the Quarantine Reads post). Identify why you’re hurting and take this time seriously so that you can understand the pain that you’ve gone through. You want to deal with as much past trauma as you possibly can because you don’t realize how much something impacts you until your past comes creeping back.

Relationship Development – Find traits (i.e. communication, conflict handling, problem solving, etc.) that you are good at or need to improve on in your friendships so you can understand how to use these same traits in your romantic relationships. You don’t want to get into a relationship with the potential one and it ends because you don’t know how to communicate effectively or deal with conflict. If you’ve never practiced or dealt with it before a committed relationship you might have a hard time and a slight set back in it. Strive towards working on this during your singleness so that you come into your next relationship that much more confident and self-aware. You should be able to disagree without raising your tone, hear the other person’s point of view, and talk things out/form general conversation like two adults. Work on throwing away the childish tendencies and become a more mature version of you.

For all the singles comment down below productive activities you’ve done during your singleness, and couples comment down below what you wish you’ve done in your singleness. Let’s enjoy the seasons we are in together – it doesn’t matter if we are before or after finding “The One” as long as you found yourself before it all.